Anyhow, I Love You
by fetchusacuppa
Summary: A oneshot looking in on the lives of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, and how they're living after Hogwarts. Slash pairing Remus/Sirius. Don't like? Don't read. No sex. I own nothing, I just took the toys to the sandbox.


It wasn't a night of particular importance on any one's calenders. There were no birthday's, no country celebrations, and nothing within their small group that anyone could think to celebrate. But celebrate they did. Sirius wasn't sure why, but when he arrived at the safe house, Remus presented him with a drink, and a look that said 'don't ask, just chug', and Sirius was never one to deny the feeling of Firewhiskey hitting the back of his throat, so he didn't ask, and he obeyed the wordless expression. He and Remus spoke of many things. Things that had made them happy in school, things that had currently made them happy because... to be honest, there was few things to do so in these times. Witches and Wizards were scared to be affiliated with anyone aside from themselves. The Order was in disarray after the last attack, and Sirius had a little niggling feeling that perhaps Remus was in the same sort of disarray on the inside.

The two sat in the small kitchen, that seemed more like it belonged to a family of ghosts than two growing men. The white kitchen appeared grey, in the dimming light, and what little decoration that there was, gave no indication that two men resided there. The table, too, contained the same boring grey as the appliances, and the people. There was silence for a long time, and Sirius felt more uncomfortable around his companion than he ever had before.

The tawny haired man was the tippy top of lightweights, when it came to drinking, so it didn't take much more than half of the bottle, for Remus to be completely off his tits. Sirius, in a moment of true caring, dumped the rest of the bottle down the sink, claiming that he had finished it off himself. After which, he carefully brought Remus into the living room that seemed much more... alive, and safe to be in. A fire crackled merrily in the background, as the two sat on the floor. They spoke, again, for a long time, although this time things became more serious, and when their idle chat became too much for them, they played a quick game of Exploding Snap. Sirius hadn't had this pleasant of a night for quite some time, and he didn't realize he had said so out loud, until Remus responded.

"Neither've I." the man slurred, leaning back, the sound of a loud thump echoing through his chest when he hit the couch. His hand dragged across the carpet, in a petting motion, knotting his hand in the weave and then smoothing out the mess it had made. The deep reds, and yellows of the fire cast across the floor, making the colour of the white carpet seem to be in a constant state of change.

Sirius looked at Remus. Really, finally, looked at him and found his mouth going dry. Remus sighed deeply. "They're sending me out." his head lolled to the side, looking at Sirius with what could only be described as fright. Remus was never one to be frightened of doing something that was bound to give another up to the side of the righteous, but here he was, sitting on the floor and looking more lost than he had ever been.

Sirius' only competent answer, what to shuffle close and wrap his arms around the smaller man. Remus' small frame allowed Sirius to entirely envelop him, all but crushing him. Remus was always so unbendingly, unchangingly strong in Sirius' eyes. Even in his moments of weakness, Remus always had, and always would be far more brave than Sirius could ever muster. Sirius' hand began rubbing Remus' back, in what he hoped were soothing motions. "Where to?" he asked, finally shattering the silence that sat between them.

"No clue." Remus said, distractedly fiddling with a button on Sirius' shirt. It twisted the material together, and loosened it, and Sirius could feel the light ebb and tug of the materials across his torso. "Dumbledore didn't say." he continued, now running his hand down Sirius' chest, slowly. He pressed his finger against every button on the way down, the pressure of his finger lingering on Sirius much longer than one would normally consider. "He also said it wouldn't be too long. Not terribly dangerous" Lupin said this, as if it were a regular conversation, something like the two of them were discussing a betting pool for the latest Qudditch game.

Sirius gave a small grunt in response. Not terribly dangerous to who? Sirius couldn't tell if he was all that upset about his announcement, or it was the firewhiskey that was dulling it all. Remus' hand fell to his lap, and Sirius certainly hoped that the firwhiskey hadn't dulled anything, because the sound of his heart pounding in his chest was enough to alert the neighbors of his excitement. Although, for Remus it turned out to be the exact opposite of excitement, and he was falling asleep in the mans arms. Snoring quickly followed. Sirius sat still for a long time, regarding the pattern of the couch they were leaned so neatly against. Remus' chest rose and fell, it was a pattern that Sirius felt no need to stop watching. Like somebody had put his life on loop, and he was more than content to just sit and watch it repeat. The bell in the kitchen neatly rang that it was three o'clock in the morning. Sirius took it upon himself to carry Remus to bed, and shed him of his daytime clothing. Almost as if it was an after thought, Sirius leaned over, and kissed Remus' forehead, tucking the covers around him.

Sirius promptly passed out, in his own bed, the second he hit the sheets.

It was a three week trip. Sirius had no time to mourn the disappearance of his good friend, for he too was sent off on a job. Three weeks, however, can change a lot in a person. Sirius considered this as Remus inclined his head to the kitchen. "Firewhiskey?" he offered in the same tone he had, only twenty one days ago. Sirius nodded, accepting eagerly. Neither of them talked of their "vacations", instead they spoke of Lily and the new baby, Harry. The two spoke of what true love was, of how adorable Sirius' new godson was, and most importantly of how good it was to be home. Sometimes, they would fall into long periods of silence. Sirius wasn't bothered by it, and Remus appeared to be no worse off about it, either.

They did not get drunk on this occasion. On an occasion when they should be celebrating, they were rather somber and reflective. "Transformation coming up in a week." Sirius commented, more for the fact that he needed to speak at least once in a five minute span or, he feared, he would die.

Remus's elegant eyebrows arched. "Are you going to be there?" he asked, sounding surprised that Sirius would bring it up.

He stared at the man before him. "Remus, when have I ever not been there?" Extenuating cases not mattering, of course. Sirius could only bring up three occasions, when he had missed Remus' furry little problem. Once, he had been landed in the Hospital wing after a particularly rough Quidditch game, the next time he was so unimaginably sick, Remus refused to even let him go to classes, and the third... Sirius had hid, for fear of what he had done to Snape, and what he had caused Remus to suffer through.

Remus nodded, a light smile gracing his features. You really don't know how beautiful you are. Sirius thought, quietly.

Remus gave a light snort, "Hardly beautiful, Padfoot." his laugh was small, but it brought a sense of light into the morbid man.

Sirius blushed, it striking him as terribly embarrassing that he had said that out loud. "It's getting late." he said, quietly.

Remus gave a small sigh, looking over Sirius, slowly. "You're right, Sirius." he said, although all earlier light seemed to have vanished from Remus' face. "Time for bed, then."

At the top of the stairs, the two hovered, consenting for a quick pat on the arm as the two parted ways. Sirius sighed, laying between fresh sheets, thinking of Remus. He wondered if Remus was doing the same thing, and slowly sleep overtook him.

It didn't take long before nightmares set in. Sirius stumbled out his room, bursting into Remus', his wand pointing the wrong way round. "Moony!" he cried out.

Remus was sitting up in bed, panting and looking around. "No, no. It's okay." his voice was high, and strained.

Sirius stared for a few moments, his heart slowing down to an acceptable BPM before he spoke again. "Remmy?" he dropped his wand to the bedside table, and Remus looked at him, his lower jaw wobbling and he shook his head. "Slide over."

Remus obeyed, leaving room for the dark haired man, that enveloped him again. Remus cried for a bit, that night, clinging to Sirius like he was some form of life raft. Sirius didn't mind, just hushed the poor thing, and rocked him back and forth slowly. He looked around the room, dull beiges and browns meeting his eyes, long dark shadows cast from the various things Remus had scattered about. His trunk sat at the end of his bed, probably from habit, Sirius thought quietly. He was jerked from his thoughts however when...

"Sirius?" Remus sat up, slowly, and the grip slowly loosened. Sirius' eyes responded to Remus' call. They looked at each other for some time, before Remus dipped his head forward, slow and precarious. Sirius' hand found it's way around Remus' neck and the two kissed. Gentle, slow. A murmur of hands against clothing. Remus pulled back for a second, examining Sirius' eyes with care. "Sirius." the name was given with a sigh, the bright eyed man melting against Sirius' frame. They didn't think about what had to happen, what had happened, or when they were going to address the problems that could arise. They didn't think about the lust they had for each other, or the basic fact that the two lived in what one would consider an almost relationship situation already. They were content, for the first time in a long time. They were no longer scared, for the first time, in a very long time. They were content, and for the first time in a long time, Sirius slept without questions bouncing around in his brain.


End file.
